Saturday, September 29, 2018
Violin
I feel like I could have even learned violin better in old age if life were better, and I had an interest before and was encouraged after 10 years wasting.
I'm a demon, I'm so mad.
It's peculiar how people didn't want me to merge into the real world to people who cared about me socially after all this and just create the same problem again.
It's okay for the person in the ways it was good enough, though. Who wouldn't want to feel good about themselves?
It's okay for the person in the ways it was good enough, though. Who wouldn't want to feel good about themselves?
"Tossed Away" at Some Point, From Everyone
I'm being treated badly because people know I live in Orlando and assume I would be like I was when I was younger when I didn't live here if I weren't here, when things were more possible.
"The Game Plan"
What if these problems are why my life is so miserable? They just want to steal my relationship with the older lady from me.
Should Be Fine
I'm confused, does this person like being famous in such a way? There shouldn't be any problems. I already said to be more careful.
Ignored
I don't mind if someone is not into me, but it does hurt when I see they could have but are actually into others instead.
"Being Used"
I think when someone acts nice about people like me who are younger, other people take that as a sign they need to be indulged inappropriately, but that's why, not because they are amazing in some other way.
Like I said, the US treats me like gold, but I feel my attempts at life now here in the strange Central Florida area and deciding to want to move to Germany, if I don't wait too long at least, it seems like I'm just not good enough to people and it feels suggestive and unfair, like I put on an act too much or completely, they think. Moreso, people embrace knowledge of my identity, maybe as 2nd nature, and simply they can say no. Germans do that. It's funny when I don't really care for their socialization. They're just there with the others and notice others are healthier. So, all this that amounts in the US is tossed aside with a laugh by some/many Germans, in general. See, I get involved and this happens. Not to everyone! Maybe, Asian Americans are the most hated race, now. Before it was Chinese Indonesian, so was said by a member or so of the white race at something, supposedly, according to Wikipedia. Maybe, it's not but it's on the list. If I have anything people like about me racially, though, for me other people get jealous but when it's others they're just loved. See, I know people think I'm special and that they can not have to deal with me and the days go by and I hadn't already talked much to anyone else, anyway, and interacted and secretly and unwantedly approached, too. They sure do a lot of talking. People can try to make this seem embarrassing for me, but I don't see it in embarrassing ways.
I'm just interested, you know what else I thought about? There's this older lady I know, and the whole world found out somewhat in a spike there. Well, I know in Central Florida people have been going around acting like they have an excuse to treat her like she should be inappropriately stimulated as a baby when it's her turn to feel. I realized that she is used to getting special attention when she acts like she is going to be kind to some kinds of people. People thought they were so smart to zone in and pay attention to the feeling that that's how it is, and they carried it on and did something inappropriate there acting like that means they need to set her up to be so famous with attention that I can't even go on with knowing her like I was supposed to before. People think it's not their fault if she's all that. They have abandoned their morals and are mad they don't know her, at least here in Central Florida. I even feel convinced she wishes she never knew me because of this in some certain way I forget and don't know how to explain, not that she regrets it itself in the normal sense of the phrase. She must think I just cling to my fame and don't deserve it. I was never really famous for myself because people turned out didn't like me some of them. People used me and admitted it and didn't care. They said I'm well liked by good people and so just wait and see who I meet and take them away.
I am not supposed to say I wish life were better because that's suggestive that it's not okay how the lady I know is worshiped. I am trying to have realized she likes it in some way, but maybe it wasn't good enough. She probably feels on top, like a lot of people really she didn't care for. I'm guessing good people let her be, more than people who want to mess things up.
I'm just thinking of all the bad things, not the fact that I don't talk to the lady much now. It's okay if she used to like me for whatever reason abut now doesn't. I always seemed to question that, why she likes me, just because I'm younger and not all white. You know, Germans don't get it in America that I'm not mixed race trash so the drift off to Japan and look for the pure source like they can't get my crap. Germans get white crap, that's for sure.
Like I said, the US treats me like gold, but I feel my attempts at life now here in the strange Central Florida area and deciding to want to move to Germany, if I don't wait too long at least, it seems like I'm just not good enough to people and it feels suggestive and unfair, like I put on an act too much or completely, they think. Moreso, people embrace knowledge of my identity, maybe as 2nd nature, and simply they can say no. Germans do that. It's funny when I don't really care for their socialization. They're just there with the others and notice others are healthier. So, all this that amounts in the US is tossed aside with a laugh by some/many Germans, in general. See, I get involved and this happens. Not to everyone! Maybe, Asian Americans are the most hated race, now. Before it was Chinese Indonesian, so was said by a member or so of the white race at something, supposedly, according to Wikipedia. Maybe, it's not but it's on the list. If I have anything people like about me racially, though, for me other people get jealous but when it's others they're just loved. See, I know people think I'm special and that they can not have to deal with me and the days go by and I hadn't already talked much to anyone else, anyway, and interacted and secretly and unwantedly approached, too. They sure do a lot of talking. People can try to make this seem embarrassing for me, but I don't see it in embarrassing ways.
I'm just interested, you know what else I thought about? There's this older lady I know, and the whole world found out somewhat in a spike there. Well, I know in Central Florida people have been going around acting like they have an excuse to treat her like she should be inappropriately stimulated as a baby when it's her turn to feel. I realized that she is used to getting special attention when she acts like she is going to be kind to some kinds of people. People thought they were so smart to zone in and pay attention to the feeling that that's how it is, and they carried it on and did something inappropriate there acting like that means they need to set her up to be so famous with attention that I can't even go on with knowing her like I was supposed to before. People think it's not their fault if she's all that. They have abandoned their morals and are mad they don't know her, at least here in Central Florida. I even feel convinced she wishes she never knew me because of this in some certain way I forget and don't know how to explain, not that she regrets it itself in the normal sense of the phrase. She must think I just cling to my fame and don't deserve it. I was never really famous for myself because people turned out didn't like me some of them. People used me and admitted it and didn't care. They said I'm well liked by good people and so just wait and see who I meet and take them away.
I am not supposed to say I wish life were better because that's suggestive that it's not okay how the lady I know is worshiped. I am trying to have realized she likes it in some way, but maybe it wasn't good enough. She probably feels on top, like a lot of people really she didn't care for. I'm guessing good people let her be, more than people who want to mess things up.
I'm just thinking of all the bad things, not the fact that I don't talk to the lady much now. It's okay if she used to like me for whatever reason abut now doesn't. I always seemed to question that, why she likes me, just because I'm younger and not all white. You know, Germans don't get it in America that I'm not mixed race trash so the drift off to Japan and look for the pure source like they can't get my crap. Germans get white crap, that's for sure.
"Kids!"
I might be giving up on people, in general, because if I like someone older a lot with kids, it doesn't work out in certain ways/times because of all of us there with me not fitting in the picture. So, what, talk to someone else with kids? Most people grew up hating family and today are thinking they need to discipline me for something, for some reason.
Not "the Good Life"
People are telling me what to think and say about other people and don't care about me. It's not like I made it up to make them look bad. It can be okay, especially if it doesn't interest my life. It seems like my life is turning into these stupid little lessons that are wrong.
We're not supposed to worry about other people when we're disciplining ourselves, but it seems people are worrying about how other people live when they think they can discipline me, also at age 32.
We're not supposed to worry about other people when we're disciplining ourselves, but it seems people are worrying about how other people live when they think they can discipline me, also at age 32.
I know.
What's all this bullshit that I chose violin "just" to be the best or maybe before was put in piano because I supposedly felt it could be the best? You know, there's not much inspiration in the states, maybe not in some recordings. I may not be God, but I know why I picked the violin..
Accepted
An English guy likes me most, more than the nice girl, too, in cello. (I don't play cello, but I play music, violin now.)
My Wish!
An eldery American on TV thinks I'm shit in music, when most people don't say those things, and thinks I'm shit and heard I thought I could play organ in France.
Me!
I want to live in Germany, and in the US people really see into me but in Germany they think I'm some game when I'm not into all of them. In the US, I'm like God.
The US versus Germany
People in the US are really impressed with me, but now some Germans hate me. I'm like lightening here in the US. I never know what someone's gonna do, like they're drunk and like I can't do or say anything.
What I Am "Supposed" to Do
No one tells me what I'm supposed to do. They think they can tell me what to do.
Special Treatment, Not Really So Rare
Why are other musicians enlightened and nourished and stubbornly withheld socially?
Conservatory!!
I remember at organ camp at a good conservatory I worked hardest and others were being elitist and the older people dorky.
Unforgivable, I'm like a mad dog.
I see orchestral musicians around my age so successful and loved to play, and when I asked to play at 6 I was totally ignored.
Just Out to Have Fun
I don't care much about young people who don't give a crap, it's the older people ruining my life psychologically.
It seems like maybe adults are focusing on young kids to make sure they parent me right.
It seems like maybe adults are focusing on young kids to make sure they parent me right.
"In Trouble"
Some people seem to ruin my life if I get confused about what I'm supposed to do with my life.
Danger
People are so violent for their children in the South, like they are strict on them getting out of line with others but in the end want them to be the only one on top.
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